im sick of failure

i really am.


all i was trying to do was get the flat stomach i've always wanted..
april is right around the corner...and i'd like to be ready for it >.<
but in doing that i've lost my boobs.
i just wanted to be the perfect girl. the one with the flat stomach and big boobs.

even if i got thin, my boobs are gone. okay, so, i could get a boob job. yeah but my nose is still fucking huge. ok so, nose job. but then my feet are still huge and ugly too... and my hands.. and surgery cant get rid of stretch marks or keratosis pilaris

so basically i'm doomed do be ugly forever

oh and did i mention i have cold sores?

FUCK
...i don't want this
i dont' want to be me

there's so many things i'm trying to change so i can be worth it
but there's so many things i CAN'T chnage....things that he could never possibly love or love me in spite of

so ..
better enjoy my time with him while i can i guess



and now i want to cry
and dan doesnt give a fucking shit about me and i wanted to talk to him today, seeing as it was today an exact year ago that i was in chat with him when i found out danny died
but whatever
i guess i don't mean anything to anyone anymore

I hate food and i hate myself
i just want it all to go away
ugh and i just wrote 'tit' by accident >.<

i want my double Ds back ;-;
i want my entire life to be different..im putting him through so much...and for what? he wont gain anything. if he ever even sees me, hes gonna be disappointed that he didnt break up with me sooner

im fat
im ugly
im small-boobed
i lied to him
i took forever to tell him
i took forever to tell him something else
i cant talk to him whenever we want to
i cant call him
i cant text him
i didnt tell that one guy to back the fuck off
what am i to him?
nothing.

sure, i could change my looks as much as possible
but that doesnt change the fact that
im not flexible
i dont move fast
i need sleep
i cant multitask
im shy

im just ...everything thats not good.. and he deserves the opposite of me
he deserves perfection
i cant be it.

i cant be worth him
no matter what i do

i fucking hate myself


i love him to fucking pieces >.<


..
everything reminds me of everything im not and everthing i ShOULD be for him.. everything i cant be

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
he'd never love me if he knew everythng
if he saw me the way i am
i am not loveable, i am not worth it

fuck.
i fucking love you.
;-;

i'm standing closer to the edge than i should be allowed.

The urge to cry has not stop, it merely subsided for awhile.


Where the hell was I when he was getting hurt?!

Probably sitting on my fat ass eating something and smiling.

A fucking car accident.

A car accident.

It just had to be.
;ldsklieksjsap[oid

Don't get me wrong, I'm so fucking happy that he's okay. God.

But just that it happened it pure SHIT.
HE'S BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH HURT ALREADY.
You had to dish out more, really?

But who dishes it out?
I don't believe in god anymore. Haha, guess why? Car accident.
-_-

well I don't know. At first I was just mad at him, then I saw how he could not exist, and now I hope he doesn't exist.
If he does, and he lets all that bad shit happen to MY Antoine, he is in MAJOR FUCKING TROUBLE.


But the thing that gets me..
I'm so far away.
It's killing me.
He was in the fucking hospital and I didn't even know. Much less could I go visit him (lolifwishescametrue) but I DIDN'T KNOW.

I was sitting here in my own life, content, thinking he was okay and just busy or whatever.
But he was in the fucking hospital from a fucking car accident.


Why is it that I have it so much easier?
I don't deserve easier.

Oh my god.
And I was complaining about working out to lose weight so I could be skinny for him.
What the FUCK
at the same moment he was getting tumbled around in the car, I could have been thinking "ugh i just wish i didn't have to be good enough for him, i wish i couldsit here and eat and get fat and not care or not have anyone to care"
D:
it's bad enough that i thought that.... but FUCK. going without chocolate and running is a LOW PRICE to pay compared to what he went through.
and damn. i was complaining about that shit while he was in the hospital probably.

god.
i feel like such a fucking bitch.
i am such a fucking bitch
And i will never be good enough.


but ok, i didn't know.
AND I HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING. thanks to my mom. which is just another unfair thing to him.

dofihgikdjls
x.x
i hate this


i'm eating myself sick today, then i'm going to fast for a week no matter how much it hhurts. no soup, no whuipped cream, no veggies. Nothing. Because I deserve the pain.

god.
enjoying myself while he was hurt.
fcuking.. fuck


i want to do anything to feel better, too.
cry
cut
alcohol
drugs

but i won't
because i don't deserve to feel numb
i don't deserve to feel better

why can't i hurt more?!?!?

and furthurmore

I am flawed.

I want to hurt those that have hurt me.
I dream about such things, imagining what I should have done, or what I should do now.
But then I sit back and take it. I don't hurt them, no matter how damaged they have made me.

I am weak.

Bully me, rape me, kill me.

I have a serious shortcoming. A serious failure.

I am weak.

I am not strong, nor have I ever been.

I let people bully me, take advantage of me. Always have.

Even now, when I realise it and think of what I should have done in certain situations, I don't immediately jump up to go rectify it.

I let hunger bully me into eating when I don't want to. I let my mother bully me into eating when I don't want to. I let my desire to be good enough bully me into not wanting to eat. I let Bri bully me into doing what she wanted. I let (?) bully me into not telling her off. I let my own fear of being vulnerable bully me into maintaining my lies.

But really, what is the worst that could happen?

If I tell my mother I don't follow her religion anymore. If I tell her my wants are different from hers. If I tell her I have a boyfriend.
What's the worst?

She won't kill me. She won't hit me, and if she does, I can report it.
She'll be disappointed. She'll try to take all of that away from me.

And maybe that's why I say nothing. She would succeed in taking it all away, because I am weak.
I also don't tell her because I am weak. Am I afraid of the consequences?
I always said I'm not, but if I avoid them, does that mean I actually am?

I am also weak, because I cannot restrict enough or exercise enough to get skinny. I did not do my driving hours because I was scared. I didn't get a job because I liked sleeping in.
All of those things are signs of weakness.

Is there anything I do that isn't weak?

I don't think so.

And I don't tell anyone anything like this, because I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.
I am stupid and I am selfish and I am weak.
This shall never change.

I hate myself.










But will I do anything about it?


No.



Because I am weak.

kill me

i feel sick.


not as in ill..but from emotions.


dan said two things to me yesterday. i'm sick of trying to talk to him and him ignoring me. i miss the old dan.
but whatever. i learned my lesson. won't talk to him again.
why the fuck does everyone always realise they dont like me? and why cant they SAY something instead of fucking ignoring me?


god.


and then shadow...
does he really know i wouldnt hurt him?
doesnt seem like it.

"what the fuck... ... dammit, i hate that i broke my phone, i hate this damn unsettling feeling... maybe its cos its almost like deja vu..... what the fuck am i thinking?!? ... being paranoid like usual. ugh. not a good frame of mind."

"I confess that my nerves are being racked by paranoia. I have the biggest feeling of dread... like something is about to go madly wrong. I'm scared to do anything to find out if its all in my head because i fear it will be the trigger that sets everything into motion that i dread and its gonna hit me like a ton of lead"

plus heather told me he was afraid of everything repeating itself....and he pretty much told me that too!!

what the fuck did i do to make him think i would be like them?!

FUCK.

i wouldnt. why doesnt he know this?

i want to cry.

he needs to get online so i can talk to him.
fuck. i cant take this too much longer. I NEED TO TALK TO HIM.

;-;

ring, ring, ring.

._.

Why the fuck is everything...?

Ever since that dream I had, I'm noticing shit everywhere.
Last night, there was a big ass ad for rings on my hotmail page.
Today, out of the many times I did keyboard gibberish, I noticed the end of one line said 'ido'
And then SS's claddagh ring... Which, according to wikipedia, is given as a marriage ring.
Argh. Wtf.

I know it's not like suddenly these things are turning up. I realise that, because I had that dream, I'm more conscious of when these things occur.
Whereas, if I hadn't had that dream, I wouldn't be noticed this shit.

And I don't want to notice it.
I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to want it.
Because I don't want it.

--

ring ring ring

My phone. OMFG.
I hate how my memory isn't perfectly photographic ;-;
I can't remember what my phone sounded like.
I can't remember what we sounded like when we said "I love you"
I probably only remember his voice because I have five voiceclips of it saved to my iPod.
Fuck. I should have saved that conversation.
But how?
And I wish I knew what my voice sounded like on the other side of the phone >.<
I wish I had talked more, and hadn't talked so fucking girly -_- and had said more than one line responses and halfassed giggles.
sdikhoikjsdifo
I wish my ears were better so I would have heard every single word. I confuse words sometimes I think. Then I just stay silent.
ugh.

I'm the worst person to talk to on the phone >.<
And I didn't even say his name...nor did I say "I love you" properly because my mom came home.
But wow.

...I hope she didnt hear any of that. heh. :/


but wow. his voice. is so fucking sexy.
And we got to talk.



....is it bad I prefer the computer? :/

At least for now.
One day maybe I'll be less shy.

Oh fuck my shyness.

Fuck my consciousness.

Fuck my curiousness.

Fuck me, you make me so horny >.>

Great day. Shit day.
What the fuck.
I love it.
^_^

His voice.
Ahhhhhh.

I sounded stupid. Goddammit.

He's so amazing.
I want to tell him over and over.
Eep.


....ring ring ring.
-_-

bitch.

vent thread.

--

FUCK!

Why don't I ever say things in time?!

THAT'S the part that's gonna end up fucking hurting him.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

One day he's going to realise what a bitch you are, Kad..and then guess what? You're going to cry and be fucking depressed. But you fucking deserve it.
He deserves so much fucking better than you. I don't care if this is your first relationship and you're shy, you treat him like fucking shit, just because you don't fucking know how to fucking say something.
I hope you fucking die. No. I hope he realises he hates you, and you have to live with that for the rest of your fucking life. And it will be a long life too, one in which you never get over him, because he's the fucking greatest guy in the world.

kdfldsjfsokoldfjskdl
Even pain like that is not enough for a fucking bitch like you. You deserve so much fucking torture. He has to put up with all your fucking shit!!
Your insecurities
Your jealousies
Your restrictions
Your rules
Your shyness
Your selfishness
Your ugliness
Your stubbornness
And the fucking fact that you don't tell him shit until he's already fucking figured it out, or fucking wondered about it.


Ugh.
Wanna cry.
Love him so much.
Hate self so much.
Fuck.



--

I just really wish I could change this.
I think I really dwelled on it, and partially forced it into myself, because I figured it would be better than talking about other guys. But no, either fucking way I hurt his feelings.

...And before I can elaborate and hate myself, he signs on and makes multiple posts about how he thinks he was an asshole and how he feels bad and shit.
What the fuck. Why is he feeling sorry for MY mistake? He handled things fine, I didn't. Fuck. I hate the way I worded things, I hate that they even had to be worded.
But I don't want him feeling like he did something wrong, because he didn't. I did.
Fuck.

fuck my life.

Yeah, so I'm upset that she's coming home so I don't fucking get to talk to him but FUCK it's fucking unfair to him!!
I've been able to deal with how much shit I was putting him through when it was just that he had to wait for me to get online, or deal with me suddenly going offline.....I mean, still fucking unfair that he didn't get to talk to me.. But now we were both so fucking excited about talking on the phone and she just has to come home before we get a fucking chance.
He made so many posts about it, about how happy he was and about how time should move faster.....and now fuck.
I don't think he realises that my mom coming home means he can't call me, because he still seems anxious about it.
I don't fucking know.
Argh. Maybe I can send her out to the grocery store. We do need stuff.

But I'm just fucking sick of this being unfair to him.
I hate this. He should have a girlfriend who's pretty and skinny and not self-conscious or jealous or insecure, and one he can actually fucking talk to.
Fuck.

Mehhhhhh.

Apparently I need to vent more than what I did in the Vent Thread.
Gonna copy and paste that post though so I don't have to retype it all.

Meh. I fucking went to the gym. Burned 420 calories in an hour and 20 minutes. All I ate was a salad, and now I feel fat again. -.-
I don't think this is fucking going to work. Changing my entire diet and exercising everyday :/
Why can't I just be skinny? Why? And why can't I be like everyone else and stop eating so goddamn much? I'm such a fucking fatass, and it takes a lot of work to change it. Why can't I be like those who can eat very little a day, or nothing at all? I get problems when I don't eat -_- I fucking hate this.
I'm sick of it. 17 years, WHY CAN'T I BE SKINNY?! Arrgh.
I don't know if I have what it takes to keep this up...I just want to give up and get surgery or something. But I can't do that, nor can I do one of the "quick fixes"
So I I just have to keep working my ass off and avoiding fatty/sugar foods aka flavourful foods. -.-
Fuck my life. Fuck it so hard it becomes someone else's life. Maybe then I would be happy with myself. Maybe then I'd be able to accept that other people could be happy too.
....Ugh.
I disgust myself.
Thanks for creating me, mom. And thanks for creating me with so many horrible genetics. I really, truly appreciate it. Haha, not.

And now I'm almost crying.
I can't take it anymore. I want to be skinny goddammit.
And the thing that hurts the most is that I think he wants me to be, too. :/
He would never say it, and he says I'm not fat, but at the same time, he asks if I've gone to the gym yet when he knows I'm going that day, and has said "good job...sounds like you're making good progress hun:)"
;-;
I hate myself.
I want to stop eating.
But I can't. I get headaches from not eating. Really bad ones. And honestly, I don't have enough self-discipline to stop :/
I'm just gonna have to keep cutting out all the foods I like and keep going to the gym a lot.
I hate this.
Just wanna be skinny, is that too much to ask for?
I can't be bulimic either, because I can't stand puking -.-
Fuck, I'm just a mistake all around.

I need Dan. But I don't want to burden him with this. And honestly, I don't want to hear optimistic shit, either. I want someone to agree with me, that I'm fucking scum and a useless piece of shit.
I want someone to tell me I wasn't supposed to be this way and I'm horrible and never should've existed.
I want someone to tell me that it's okay to take my anger and pain out on myself. I want someone to make me stop eating. I want someone to realise how fucking disgusting I am.

....I want him to like fat girls. I want to believe him when he says I'm attractive. I want to BE attractive. I want everything I can't have.

Fuck. I don't know how longer I can deal with this without blowing up. I could never tell him any of this. This insecurity is too severe, and he might take it the wrong way.
I can't tell Dan, because I've bothered him enough already. I can tell he's getting tired of talking to me, even though he says the opposite. That shit always happens to me.
So all I have is myself, this damn blog, the the Vent Thread.
Of course, I couldn't post this much on the Vent Thread, because then way more people would see. I'm already worried someone will read this and talk to me about it.
Meh, no one reads this anymore. Good. I hope not.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so fat and I feel like I'm not the only one who wants me to be skinny. I feel like I'll never ever be skinny, either.

But I guess I'll keep trying. That's all I can do. :/

vent, rant, fuck it all

im worried
im scared
im upset

joli helped me calm down ealier
but now its been 3 hours.
meh, i know nothings going on.. hes with family and they talk and shit after dinner i guess..but i just wish he would contact me and let me know his dad is gone and hes ok.
of course, emailing me from his phone fucking costs a lot of money so i feel like a bitch whenever we talk that way :/
...damn and hes not on aim.

fuck...i just dont like him being around his dad...and i REALLY DONT LIKE that i cant do a damn thing about it.
i couldnt have stopped him from being hurt in the past...and i cant be there now to stop him from getting hurt ever again....so what the hell am i good for? nothing. useless piece of shit.

and what the FUCK is wrong with his family!? his brother and his aunt know what happened! hes living with his aunt because of his dad...but they let him over on numerous occasions.
WHATTHEFUCK
i dont understand.....first of all, that fucking bastard should be in jail....and if hes not, he shouldnt be allowed anywhere near him!
what the fuck....thats like..typical, standard rules. so why the hell is he over there???

ugh.
i hate this
i hate it all
i feel so useless
and worried
and .... several things.


i cried last night cos i was worried about him texting while driving on the road that he likes to call his speedway ._.
if he ... i wouldnt be able to make it.....especially not that way..


why isnt that bastard in jail...fuck..even if he doesnt do anything physically, which im sure he cant, he can always say something....and sometimes that can hurt worse :/
hes already got a low self esteem...probably because of all the things his dad has said to him....and i bet that just being around him makes it all come back, even if his dad doesnt say anything.
ugh. i just dont fucking know how they could let him over. fucking idiots.

im scared
and upset
and worried



fuck everything.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

Just fuckit.

I fucking left the computer..and 10 minutes later he showed up. God I feel like such an idiot. And I miss him so badly...We haven't properly talked in 10 days.....and I'm gonna be gone for a bit longer than a week, starting Thursday or Friday....we're not gonna be able to properly talk until at least after then, and who even knows if his laptop will be fixed by then...

Fuck.

Why the fuck did I leave? Why? Sure, my computer was slow and I had stuff to do...but it could have waited until I was sure he wouldn't be on at all....so now I've just missed a half hour of talking to him. I fucking hate myself.

And I didn't even enjoy that shitty movie. Ugh, why didn't I turn it off and go back to the computer?

Fuck. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I'm glad my mom isn't home, because I'm crying.

I miss him.

:D <3

I just love him so much.
Hehehe.

Am I dead?

No I am not.
I am still alive.
I've just not been able to post. But Ohli told me yesterday I haven't posted, so..I'm gonna post.
I wasn't able to post cos my IE went insane...then I was using Google Chrome and Firefox...Google Chrome went insane for a day so I was using Firefox..and since that doesn't have private browsing, I had to be more caref...blahblah this is boring.
Ok.


So I was gonna do some huge life-update post..but now I just need to vent.
And I know that this is going to be obvious as hell. I'm counting on that.


WHY THE FUCK AM I BANNED?
I honestly don't understand it...Everything had been silent for 11 minutes and then suddenly it's goodbye Kad.
And why? He had me on his ignore list...it's not like I was bothering him anymore. How is it right for him to then take me away from everyone else on the channel?
Seriously..that's an abuse of power. He had me on ignore, there was no point.
If I was continuously doing shit, okay fine. But merely because he doesn't like me? That's not a reason.
Arrrrrgh. Now I can't even talk to other people on there. Like Dan. That's like, the only way I ever talk to him. ;-;
And Shadow...now that Ohli and Ceph tease him, I like to be there to see it...I don't like missing things that involve my boyfriend.
...TEHEHEHE...I love that word.

...Where was I?
Ok.


GET THIS THROUGH YOUR FUCKING GODDAMN THICK SKULL.
I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGISE.

First of all, that was a thing of the past.
Second, you fucking deserved it.
Third, even if you didn't, I deserve the right to say things when I'm upset.

Ugh. This is just so wrong. There was no fucking reason to ban me, and I'm not going to apologise for something I did two months ago when you fucking deserved it.

You dislike me? Cool. Feeling's mutual.
But banning me was too much..I was on your ignore list for god's sake.


ewoprigfhjfnkdl,.wesdi
Obviously, you cannot see anyone's reason but your own.
Look; I understand why you don't like that word. I agreed not to call you that anymore. But I won't apologise for what I did two months ago. That's just bullshit.
You left. Without a goodbye. That's not what really matters though, because I wish you had stayed gone.
What matters is what Dan told me after you left.
Remember that time I finally gave in, finally showed my face pic? Do you remember me saying "Don't show this to anybody"? Do you remember agreeing?
Do you remember me putting my trust in you?
Yeah...Well then do you remember showing it to Dan, what was it, 15 seconds after you had agreed not to show anyone?
Do you remember breaking my trust the moment I gave it to you?
That's the point.
That's why I hated you.
I was over it. Then you came back and started a bunch of shit. I'm not going to apologise. Are you going to apologise? No. So why should I?
I'm not going to. I mean, I'm over it..I've showed other people now. Hell, my face has been posted on EB.
But the principle remains. I'm never going to trust you again. I'm not going to apologise for something I said when I was mad. I had a right to be.
You don't have a right to ban me. I did nothing. I was leaving you alone.

You just continue to prove to me that you deserved it.
So good job. (:

kledjhgikjslzjdoido;iawalskl;ASKksldjhfiuL

HE IS SO SWEET.
eirjufhbdcnjmoiwdslk
<333333
OMFG.

Everytime I think about him, I fund myself sighing and/or smiling. I smile a lot now.
He is so sweet. Funny how my life has gone a complete 180. I love it.
I wish it could be this way forever. (:

owsirfkjgikfdsosiu <333333333333333


I better not ever hurt him.
I feel so mad at myself for being mad at him yesterday. I wasn't really mad at HIM...Ugh I dunno. I just really regret that. If I had only said what I needed to say...Dammit. Now I feel like I need to apologise him, to make everything better. But he didn't even know I was upset.
Ah. Idk.
Everything's awesome right now.
Very awesome.

I'm not even second-guessing it for once. Probably because I've become too accustomed to being happy that I don't want the pain ._.
Anyway.
He makes me happy. I don't care how long it lasts...All I care is that I never hurt him. I just can't be like those girls. I can't.
He deserves much better.
I just wish I could make it all okay.



HE'S SO FUCKING SWEET!
skdjfghbriudskjlj
<333333

Lol k

So I've lost most of my friends.

Nothing new to me.

I've been losing friends since I started having them.

Cool.

I still have my best friends, and my...friend-boy/mutual crush...yeah..IDK.

Ashleigh says he's my boyfriend. xD I don't think so.

Anyway.

I've lost a lot of people that I cared about.

But if they're gonna be like this...then maybe I never should have cared. Maybe they never did.

I dunno.

I've got who's important, so I'm good (:

Apology

Well. I know I already talked to Ohli and Leksa separately, and I do feel like everything's cool between us now (at least I don't have any hard feelings)

But Ceph is in IRC now, talking to me about how my April 29th post was not cool at all.

So I just wanna go on record (which I should have done sooner...and considered it, but then felt it wasn't necessary) and say I'm sorry.

I realise I may have gone way too far in my post, and I was pissed abou things I should not have been pissed about.

I won't apologise for having feelings, but I will apologise for hurting people with how I let my feelings come out.

Olivia, I love you.

Aleksa, I love you.

I know you know that.

But now you really know it.

(:

♥

I knew

It wouldn't last.

Happiness never does.

I dunno..

I still believe him...

But. He misses her. He said he wanted things to go back to the way they were..

with her..

He loves her..he only has a crush on me.

Dammit. I made it into much more than it was.. AGAIN.. and now.. I'm sad.

Because I let myself be happy.

Goddammit. I knew better.

I knew better.

Eh.

That happiness was addicting though.

So even if I'm only second best (or even less than that) or even if I'm only a rebound girl.....or whatever it is when no one else wants you so you settle for the one that does....even if that's what I am, I'll go with it.

I mean, it's not like I expected it to turn into some big thing. I'm not that type. I just found it really awesome, not only that a guy actually had a crush on me..But that I had a crush on him too.

But I know it's not the same as it was with her.

And that's okay.

I'll make it be okay.

Because he's a really good friend..And we have fun.

I mean, Dan and I are friends even though I had a crush on him and he didn't like me. There's absolutlely no awkwardness.

So there won't be between me and Shadow.

It doesn't have to happen...no matter what he really feels.

Eh. I just can't believe I let myself fall so hard, get so excited that he liked me. I mean, come on, it was only a few days after he officially found out Kristen had cheated on him. Was I expecting him to be over her that quickly? Things don't happen like that.

Blah.

...I think my personality is changing.

As I write, instead of dwelling on how stupid I was to think things, I'm saying "lol k, so I was wrong..things can be like this anyway because it's fun. And if the pain comes, I'll take awhile, get over it, and then  have a good friend."

...Weird.

I'm not usually like that.

I dunno.

Something's changed.

I can feel it. Something's really changed.

It's a good thing, supposedly. But I guess I'm just used to how I was.

Pessimism is hard to let go of.

But I suppose now I know that I can let go of things if I need to.

So. 

Things aren't the same.

It's fine if he loves her. I didn't expect him to love me. If he did, I wouldn't love him back. Not like that. I just don't believe teenagers (for the most part) can love for real. Some adults can't, either. And I'm not so sure I ever will be able to.

It's cool. (:

Now...I'll just be happy that someone has a crush on me. Because that's all, but I have a good friend. (:

[wow..my optimism and new personality are creeping me the fuck out o_O]